It is time for the monthly blog , isn't it?
Oh , where was I ? oh , yeah , You know that buzz you get from performing that you don't quite know what it is , but you don't want it to stop? I'd like to get that again , and I keep putting it off , performing , that is. I'm afraid . Afraid I'll look stupid , afraid I'll say the wrong thing , afraid I'll forget my lines , afraid of falling on my ass, red from embarassment. Isn't that typical? I went to a performnace space last night in god knows where , somewhere in Chicago , a neighborhood that hasn't been discovered by the great mass marketer developers yet , and is still relativly underdeveloped, which is good. 'Cause I'm sick ,sick , sick of seeing the same , crappy new buildings , that are made to look old and blend in with the old , sturdy buildings. They are made out of cinder block and cardboard , I think , and may last 15 years , if they are lucky. They are cheeeep cheeep copies of the sturdy , hundred year old buildings , which , if they weren't being torn down by the hundreds , would probably last at least fifty more years , as long as they were kept up.
Enough about the degradation of archetecture. But performing . Hmm , what is it? Haven't done any poetry readings or acting in quite awhile, and I remember enjoying it. Those folks in the audience didn't seem to mind the readers , in fact they seemed to enjoy them . My mind goes over and over why I don't do that. I don't know what to do, don't know what to write , to read , etc. Just do it , I guess , like the saying goes. Hmm nice slogan... So .. , performing ... I used to enjoy it , but was scared of it. In fact , was scared of anything I enjoyed. It gets you out of your head , and I don't mean "crazy " , although it is a form of madness , I suppose , but in a good way. You go up and say things you normally would only get strange looks from others if you said them in a "normal" context.
And the high you get is kind of amazing. You don't want it to end, but it does , and then you have to wonder around in your normal , day to day existance , wondering how you got that feeling from performance , and how you get it back. You go and do it again.
and it sort of feeds on itself. But it takes a bit of work , a kind of work you're not used to , in your little work - a - day world. It's sort of a bi - polar feeling , the high you get from performing , and the low you get from realizing that you have to go back to your regular life. I always used the excuse that I hated other actors , the snobbery , the viciousness I felt from other actors, the petty jealousy, which can be pretty hard to be around. And I always felt the nastiest , most petty ones were the ones who had the least talent , so they had to try and show everyone up. What's that about. I just wanted to do my bit and go on . I used to get favorable comments from folks , which was nice. I never took it seroiusly , the little voices in my head would always come up with "you'll never make a living at it", which I say to them , "so what , you'll never know if you don't try" , which is what I've been doing for a loong time , not trying.
